Single Struggles: I Don’t Want to Live Without You

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After the funeral is over and life has released its hold button, a widow struggles with a new reality that they are now single again. Thoughts and emotions are all capsized in a singular thought “I don’t want to live without you.” It’s not that this widow is suicidal, far from it. It was just that the years of experiences together culminated in a life that seemed to only exist with the other. Now that person is gone and as a widow or widower you must move forward.

Remember that in Christ Jesus you are whole and while your love was deep, our Father’s love for you is so much deeper. You are complete in Christ, not in your late spouse. You can walk forward knowing that as a follower of Christ you can face tomorrow because He lives in you. Be strong, push yourself to be active in your church, push yourself to build new relationships and continue those already established.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfgf-R7bPsw

“Because He Lives!”

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives!

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    Steve
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    I will always have pets in my life now…

    When I was young I used to tell my mother how much I loved her and she would say, one day you will leave me. I didn’t understand why she would say this to me. As time went on my mother had more children and at some point she started physically abusing us. I was very little at that time. The abuse got worse, she spoon fed us, bath and dressed us etc. She became very controlling. I was punched and slapped and beaten with more then one belt and then belt buckles. it’s took several weeks for the pain and marks to go away. I eventually went into the custody of child welfare and then into foster homes, then into a boys ranch for troubled kids and then at some point at 16, I was back at home with the abusive crazy mother. I soon ran away and tried to get on my feet, living in a car. I got my second job working at Jack In The Box and while there I tried dating but I always seem to find women like my mother and it never worked out. They had abusive issues. I hated answering to anyone who tried to dominate or control me that was a female.

    Many of these women got me in trouble for speaking my mind to them. This went on for years and I gave up on finding anyone for anything except for casual friendship and sex which was very over rated and left me empty and disgusted with myself. I never expected to find anyone to love who would love me back. At some point I found myself 38 and single. I met a girl at the Gym who who like to go out just to eat and then sex until I found out she was an alcoholic and still married. She said she was getting a divorce but I was pretty much done with her and the abusive drinking issues. One night she begged me to go ice skating with her and one of her kids. I just wanted to go home, feeling depressed. She kept asking so I decided to go. While I was there I met a nice girl name Michelle. She was very friendly and had her own skates.

    She wanted to date me and I finally gave her my number which really upset the other girl I went there with. What a horrible ride home it was. Anyway, the next day Michelle called and wanted to meet for dinner and I went and from that day on I was always talking or visiting with Michelle. The other girl stalked me for a while but I always talked with her and told her I would be her friend and soon she left me alone. Michelle wanted help finding a 2 bedroom apartment because her mother Sandy was moving down from York PA. I found a place and her mother moved in and in a few months I moved in with them. After a year we decided to get a house and look everywhere.

    We found one in Richardson and I really didn’t want or like it but Michelle said it’s either this one or wait another year. My inner man spoke to me and said get this one or you will not get one with her at all so I decided to go for it. Michelle was a beautiful women and she was just finishing college with a degree in business, She was a Navy CB, Ice Capades skater and more. We were hoping to fix the place up inside and out. At that time I was working in Technical support for J. C. Penney’s Corp. Office. Michelle’s mother also moved in with us. everything seemed to be going well.

    For the first time in my life I felt happy with someone. I got along with her mother as well and with all 3 of our incomes we were making great progress upgrading the house and making it into a home for all of us. Michelle’s older brother also came down from York PA and stayed with us for a little while. He soon found a job and bought a Trailer in Grand Prairie. He landed a really good job and stayed there for many years as a computer programmer. Anyway, we started a lot of projects like getting rid of all of the Hackberry trees that were planted to close to the foundation. The house had just had foundation work because of the trees and there were a lot of them. We started painting rooms in the house, adding crown molding, changing out old light switches and plugs and updating new doors and smoke detectors and more. Some of the neighbors were mad about us cutting down the trees. Many ask why we cut them down or they would say they loved those trees and I shouldn’t have cut them down.

    I tried to talk with them but a couple were always mad at Michelle and I concerning the trees. We plan to plan to plant more trees and other types of landscaping but, Michelle discovered a lump in her right breast that turned out to be small Cell Breast cancer. It was very aggressive. I was scared for her. I went to a couple clinics and the oncologist treating Michelle would not answer anything Michelle or I ask of him. He was very rude. Michelle decided to try to have the lump removed even though the doctor wanted to remove the whole breast. The lump turned out to be twice the size and in a month or 2 the whole breast became a tumor. I was online researching options for her and contacting people everywhere. Many like the oncologist told us she had a very fast growing cancer and there was little they could do to stop it. Michelle had chemo to try and reduce the cancer then she decided to have to breast and limp nodes removed. 2 months later her lower back started bothering her. It was cancer and it started spreading through out her skeletal or bones.

    At some point, we had to rush her to the emergency room because of the pain she was having. They put her on a high dose of Morphine for pain. In days she had tumors on her face, side of her head, shoulder etc. She was told she now had Metastatic neuroendocrine small cell breast cancer and she was labeled terminal. The oncologist at Baylor Downtown Dallas said they were willing to try and help Michelle but we spoke to the doctor treating her the night before and were told there nothing they could do. She might last 3-6 months and she should get her affairs in order. I went online and found a treatment that was supposed to help manage cancer until a treatment could be found to cure her.

    It was called iptq dot com Dr. Perez Garcia used small doses of Methotrexate mgs to knock the cancer out and then they would take a little weekly to keep cancer under control. Methotrexate has been used to treat Rheumatoid Arthritis for years. Michelle was so sick we didn’t go see Dr. Perez. We tried to find a closer place for her. I was afraid she wouldn’t make the trip. We found someone a little closer and she ended up going to Atlanta Georgia instead of Puerto Rico. It was a horrible mistake!! The person treating told us he had treated people for years and Michelle turned out to be his second patient. He overdosed her with chemo. I had gotten Michelle involved in a church called lsm DOT o r g or The church in Irving.

    I called constantly checking on her. I was not able to go. When they said she had a bad spell I called some church sisters and ask them to call her and check on her and pray for and with her. I went down Xmas eve to spend Xmas day with Michelle and it was a horrible site. She was swollen, her hands white, she could not speak she was having organ failure she was on oxygen and was on her 4-5 IV bag of fluids. We tried calling the guy treating her many times and then we called 911. The hospital we took her to was close to the clinic but they were not a trauma type for someone as bad off as Michelle was.

    They checked her out, she had a collapsed lung so her breathing was short, and she had no platelet or red blood cell count. The ER doctor could not reach the guy treating her at the clinic. The ER doctor tried hard to order blood and platelets for Michelle. The doctor said she didn’t know how she could still be alive and that she had Septic Shock. Sandy, Michelle’s mother and I were there till the end. Michelle died 4-5 times and the last time she had too many fluids pumped into her and died of congested heart failure and septic shock. It was horrible. I set with her for a while and then her mother and I kissed her goodbye. I took the first plane back to Dallas and the mother Sandy stayed and decided to have Michelle cremated and then came back with her ashes.

    We were both very traumatized and I was un-able to return to work for several months. The Church In Irving had a nice service for Michelle and then it was just Sandy and I. They neighbors were still complaining about the out side of the house. Sandy and I decided to try and sell the house. The next door neighbors father came by and said Michelle said if she died he could have the house and he expected to get it. I was drugged up on Lithium and a few others trying to deal with grief and guilt for finding that nut case that overdosed her on chemo. I pointed to the sign in the front yard. I was told later he only wanted to pay 85,000 for the house because we cut down the Hackberry trees. We owed around $135, 000 for it. We were told by the realtor he said a lot of un-true and nasty things about us.

    I tried going back to my job in the call center but I had forgotten how hostile it was there like sexual harassment, threats, cursing other co-workers out, who ended up in their network trouble tickets because they were live on the phone and receiving calls as they came in while others cherry-picked the pool of tickets that were easy to handle and close. It was supposed to be a teamwork environment but it was pretty cut throat. I went back to work against the doctors orders. I didn’t realize the management didn’t like me being gone on medical leave for several months. I honestly didn’t have the personal skills to deal with some of the co-workers and also I was put on meds that didn’t really help me with the Guilt, Grief and Depression I was dealing with from the loss of and sudden death of Michelle. I was soon let go over an issues with a trouble ticket and some conversation I had with AT&T while waiting for testing on a down Eckerd store.

    They ask me how I was doing and I mentioned some personal things about Michelle and her passing. I ended up crying while waiting for their circuit testing. A co-working told me to she didn’t want to here about what I was saying even though she made personal calls in the call center almost daily about her personal home life stuff. Management used that issue to let me go. My manager told me I was not ready to return. At some point I filed a complaint for wrongful termination under the family medical leave act and it settled out of court for 100,000. The Lawyer at Kilgore and Kilgore got 40% and I didn’t get my job back. I heard several managers and some co-workers were let go when HR learned about many things going on there. Also the Dallas County Appraisal was trying to raise us $25,000 on a house that needed many repairs with some started.

    I tried very hard to find work; I re-worked my resume, different cover letters, job fairs, employment office and church groups, temp agencies. I could not get hired. I was overqualified for customer service jobs and turned away for even some low paying jobs because they wanted a college degree and good credit. I found temp work here and there. Sandy and I struggled although the money from JCPenney helped us keep going. I was on several medications while Sandy and contested the Dallas County Appraisal. We build a binder every 2 years and got the taxes down 25 – 30,000 and the house was listed in poor condition.

    Losing Michelle was hard for me and I felt really depressed, guilty because I found this treatment and guy who over dosed her to death. Now Sandy and I were stuck in the house with nowhere to go. I felt so bad about her loss I over dosed on meds many times and my counselor and father called police or an ambulance which took me to the Medical City, Green Oaks and 2 or 3 other mental hospitals to get cleaned up. When we put the house on the market after Michelle passed we had a hard time selling it for what we owed on it. At that time it was a buyers market and our house had so many repairs some that were started and now abandoned. We were simply upside down on the house and a couple of neighbors seem to always act cold or distant. Some time passed and some of the neighbors started an HOA.

    I hardly left the house much and went out in the evening to walk the dogs or help Sandy un-load groceries. The neighbor next to us would hear our garage door open and come out and say negative stuff to us. She didn’t like house not having any type of landscaping so she was always talking at us. She wanted us to move if we could keep up with the other neighbors. We had no money and nowhere to go. I had no family to help me do stuff to the outside. I always mowed and edged the yard but that was about it. The neighbor next door started calling in complaints on us a lot and I tried hard to avoid her but she would pop out when ever I was out in the backyard.

    I had a hard time with the meds such as side effects and I was out of it and it was hard for me if someone went off on me simply because I didn’t understand what they were saying or explaining to me. Also, the meds made me feel more depressed with anxiety and I felt like I had PTSD from the shock and loss of Michelle and other stuff that’s happen like the mental hospitals even the abuse from my mother and brake ups from women I used to date along with the loss of my job all seem to be too much to handle. I tried all kinds of things to help Sandy and I survive in the house with hope I might get a job anytime. We tried roommates but that was hard because some were mean to us or we found out they were doing drugs.

    The city helped cover the electric bill a time or two. The furnaces heat exchange was rusted out and we applied for help through the Dallas County weatherization program. A church helped us with a new water heater. It went out and we didn’t have hot water for months. I went through many welfare mental health clinics and had several of them attack me or I watched them yell at other disabled people and I stood up for them so they dismissed me from that clinic. I called the Suicide or Crises line when I had anxiety attacks and they called the police almost every time and I made it clear with them I just needed someone to vent or talk with. This type of activity made some of the neighbors hate me and I could not help it. One neighbor yelled at me about one of my dogs running lose in my back yard while we unloaded food and other stuff and simply had my fill of her and told her to Go to hell.

    She called the police on me even though she had 2 big dogs that had chewed through the fence and they got out all the time and I would catch them running in the street and leash them up or I would see the next door neighbor driving or running on foot after her dogs. I did that about 20 times before she finally got a new fence. She then had the local neighborhood watch people stalking our house looking for stuff to complain to the city about like my car tires in the driveway touching the grass. She had the city out there with a stick measuring the grass to see if she could get us in trouble.

    We went to food banks a lot because we just didn’t have money for food. Sandy advise me to try and get on temp disability until I could get full-time work that would pay the bills and I called and check around and I did find a lawyer who filed for me and I was given disability which made the house payment because were over a year behind at one point. There was a neighbor who also helped us make the bills. I swear, God willing I will pay him back the 10,000 he loaned us. We were making 2-300.00 payments to him until 10.1.2013. There was a block party; meet your neighbor night out. I had been in the hospital for a couple of days with heart pain.

    Later I learned I had an underachieve Thyroid and that was messing with my heart. It may have been caused by some of the meds I was on. Anyway, I came home hungry and walked the dogs, saw the get-together and when over to get some food. While I was over there some people were trying to sign people up for the HOA and somebody ask me to join and I said. YOU MUST BE KIDDING! YOU PEOPLE STALK OTHER PEOPLES HOUSE AND HAVE THEM WRITTEN UP FOR SMALL INFRACTIONS. WHY WOULD I WANT TO BULLY THEM TOO! That was all I said. This older guy who was acting chief of the HOA came over and started pushing on me with his whole body and said IS THAT RIGHT? YOU WILL JOINED SOME DAY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT BOY!! THE PRICE IS GOING UP TOO! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I was scared, he was bigger than me and I was afraid he might try and hit me or file a charge on me etc.

    I tried to get away I turn away from him he lost his balance and fell. I just stood there in shock and then another guy came up behind me and grabbed me with arms down from behind and carried me away from the old guy. He through me to the ground and I freaked out and used foul language. A couple of people like the next door neighbor started yelling go home Steve, Go home.. I went home feeling like the police were going to get me and take me to jail and it wasn’t my fault. The police came out and the chief of the HOA and his wife both said I came over and pushed him down yelling at him. I yelled after I was thrown to the ground but it was hard to hear me because they had loud music playing there.

    I don’t believe he was hurt or that his wife saw or heard anything because of where she was sitting and because the music was very loud! The didn’t believe me when I told them he attacked me. He wanted to file on me and they charged me and put me in the car. I told the cop he jump me and the cop said that’s not what they’re saying and I said great what should I do now kill them. The cop wrote I said I would kill them all. I did yell at the next door neighbors father who was on his daughter’s side about all the harassment she did to us over the out side condition of the house so I was charged for that too. I had no money. The neighbor who helped us out before loaned me money to bond out and the neighbor next door got other HOA people together and in the end had me thrown out of my house with nowhere to go. I only knew a few neighbors who walked their dogs when I did. I didn’t know any of the HOA people who lied about me with statements.

    My own lawyer turned on me. He told me to stay away from the house for six months and then I could go home and after I accepted the plea in order to try and save the house the judge changed it to a 6 year stay away. The lawyer dropped me and I did get another lawyer but the HOA showed up with a petition for me not to ever return to their neighborhood. What a nightmare. I lost the house, many things I was keeping in memory of Michelle, some other pets, the mother in law went to stay with her son and I have been renting from people off Craigs List. It’s been a horrible experience. I am looking for a place now because the guy I stay with wants to move a friend of his in here that he has known a long time so I am trying to find a way to keep one little dog and survive on the fixed income with rent around the 4-500.00 range. To live close to Richardson, Garland and Plano but stay in DALLAS COUNTY. It’s very hard to find a decent safe place for my little dog and I.

    Presently, I am on deferred adjudication for a chance to get off early if I can stay away from bad people like the 2 sets of neighbors who got away with bullying me. I have not had any problems. It has been over 4 years since this legal issue happen and I have not been in any trouble since. I never bothered people but if someone attacks me I don’t have very good skill sets to deal with confrontation. I believe I have PTSD issues. I have spoken my mind a few times but I never hurt anyone physically. My mother beat the hell out of us over small things and I always felt bullied by her but the most I did was to turn her into child welfare to stop it. To this day I can not handle very controlling, aggressive women who want everything their way like my mother and the neighbors who would not leave us alone simply over the outside appearance.

    I would have fixed up the house if Michelle had not died from cancer. I tried for years but I was only able to due small repairs like ceiling fans, a few doors, replacing some plugs and light switches etc. What a nightmare! I was there over 15 years.. I lost just about everything. I have an old car that’s falling apart. I am still on disability and I kept one of 4 small dogs name CC. I worry about being homeless and the neighbors told a lot of lies to get me kicked out of my house. If I had known the judge was going to ban me from my home I would have never taking that plea. Can anyone relate?

    I will always feel pain from the loss of Michelle! I will probably never have a long term relationship with another woman after all of this but a decent understanding friend would be welcome although I am happy with my little dog. Can anyone relate to any of this???

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