Christian Dating Standards and the Pressure to Settle
When someone asks whether your Christian dating standards are too high, the answer depends on what those standards are protecting.
Shared faith, honesty, and respect deserve a firm place in a relationship. An exact picture of someone’s appearance, career, or personality deserves a different kind of examination. Learning that difference takes prayer, time, and people who know you well enough to help you see clearly. In her Instagram carousel about dating standards, Jennie Allen makes a helpful distinction between expecting perfection and looking for character. She explicitly rejects telling people to settle and points toward repentance, accountability, and spiritual growth. I appreciate that emphasis because Christian dating should take seriously who someone is becoming. As we apply that counsel, however, we also need to consider how growth becomes visible and how the church speaks to people whose lives have not followed the marriage timeline they expected.
What Christian dating standards should protect
Biblical dating standards begin with our allegiance to Jesus. The Bible does not give us a modern dating checklist, but it does give us a clear understanding of marriage, holiness, and love for our neighbor. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman, and sexual intimacy belongs within that covenant. Those convictions, reflected in The Baptist Faith and Message 2000, give Christian dating a purpose and boundaries that deserve thoughtful attention.
Shared faith means more than finding someone who checks the Christian box on an app. In 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul tells a widow who remarries to do so “only in the Lord” (ESV). That instruction places allegiance to Christ within the decision about whom to marry. It is reasonable to ask how faith shapes someone’s ordinary choices, including their involvement in a local church and their response when obedience costs them something.
Preferences require a more personal conversation. You might have pictured someone with a particular income, educational background, or way of expressing affection, and some of those expectations may need room to change. At the same time, attraction, family responsibilities, and significant differences about the future deserve honest consideration. Two faithful Christians can decide that a marriage between them would be unwise without either person being spiritually defective.
Consider the difference between wanting someone who shares every hobby and wanting someone who respects your convictions about sex. The first may describe a pleasant preference; the second concerns faithfulness and the ability to honor a boundary. A difficult conversation about children, caregiving, or where to live also carries more weight than a disagreement about a favorite restaurant. Wise discernment gives each concern the attention it actually deserves.
How to recognize growth without dating potential
Jennie’s observation that her husband at twenty was different from the man he later became makes room for a reality every Christian should recognize. Sanctification continues throughout our lives. We should expect to learn, repent, and mature, and we should extend that same understanding to another person. A relationship becomes unfair when we demand decades of developed wisdom from someone who is still learning responsibilities we also once had to learn.
Yet future possibility cannot carry the whole weight of a present decision. A person may speak sincerely about wanting to change while continuing to avoid responsibility for the choices causing harm. Look for what happens after the apology: whether they acknowledge the specific wrong, accept its consequences, and take consistent steps toward change. Give yourself time to observe that pattern across ordinary situations, including disappointment and disagreement.
Galatians 5:22–23 describes the fruit the Holy Spirit produces in believers. That passage gives us reason to pay attention to patience, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control in everyday life. Notice how a person treats someone who cannot advance their interests and how they respond when you say no. These observations help us connect spiritual language with conduct without pretending we can see another person’s heart perfectly.
Christian dating red flags deserve clear language. Repeated dishonesty, sexual pressure, intimidation, controlling behavior, and contempt should not be dismissed as ordinary imperfections someone else must patiently absorb. Forgiveness does not obligate you to continue dating, and compassion does not make you responsible for producing another person’s repentance. You can care about someone’s restoration while choosing distance and seeking trustworthy help.
The same examination belongs in our own lives. If I want someone who receives correction, I need to consider how I respond when a trusted friend challenges me. If I value honesty, my communication should remain truthful when I lose interest or need to end a relationship. Growing in these areas matters because we follow Jesus, whether our next date leads to marriage or simply to a clearer understanding of what is wise.
Why marriage cannot measure Christian maturity
A conversation about standards can become painful when it assumes that a person’s continued singleness proves something is wrong with them. Some people do need to reconsider unrealistic expectations. Others have made thoughtful decisions and still have not met someone with whom they can build a faithful marriage. We cannot diagnose a person’s pride, readiness, or spiritual health from their relationship status.
That matters in a culture where the timing of marriage has changed. The U.S. Census Bureau’s 2025 estimates put the median age at first marriage at 30.8 for men and 28.4 for women, compared with 23.5 and 21.1 in 1975. These national estimates describe marriage timing across the population; they do not tell us why a particular Christian remains single. They should encourage churches to take adult life before marriage seriously, while remembering those who never marry and those whose marriages have ended.
Jesus lived His earthly life unmarried, fully obedient to the Father and without sin. His life gives us no basis for making marriage a requirement for spiritual maturity or meaningful service. Paul also speaks positively about remaining unmarried in 1 Corinthians 7:7–8. We can honor marriage as God’s good design while recognizing the goodness and usefulness of a faithful single life.
At Table for One Ministries, I return often to the conviction that marriage is not the finish line. In Colossians 2:9–10, Paul grounds the believer’s fullness in Christ, saying, “you have been filled in him” (ESV). Being complete in Christ begins with His saving work received through repentance and faith. It does not require the disappearance of every longing, and it does not mean we stop needing the fellowship and care of other believers.
The church has a role in healthy Christian dating
Before a pastor or friend tells a single adult to adjust their standards, there is value in listening. Ask what that person has experienced and what they mean by a healthy relationship. Someone who has encountered repeated dishonesty may hear advice about accepting imperfection very differently from someone who rejects every date over a minor preference. Patient conversation helps us offer counsel that fits the person in front of us.
Churches can also examine the larger message their ministry communicates. Marriage illustrations can be helpful, but if nearly every example of maturity involves a spouse or children, single adults may struggle to see their lives reflected in the teaching. Include examples of faithful friendship, integrity at work, caregiving, and the responsibilities of living alone or raising children as a single parent. Invite single adults to share how God is shaping them through those responsibilities.
Healthy Christian community creates opportunities to know people beyond a polished profile or a brief Sunday greeting. Shared meals, service, and ongoing discipleship allow friendships to develop while people contribute to the life of the church. Some of those friendships may become romantic, and many will remain valuable friendships. Both deserve room to grow without making every gathering feel like an assessment of someone’s marriage prospects.
Our advice must also account for different life circumstances. A widowed adult may be considering dating alongside grief, while a divorced parent may be weighing a relationship’s effect on children and existing responsibilities. Those situations need more than a general instruction to be open-minded. Our article Dating After Divorce: Wisdom Before a New Beginning explores the importance of healing, wise counsel, and an unhurried pace for that particular journey.
Dating wisely while living fully in Christ
If you are considering a relationship, take time to name the concerns you are carrying. Write down what you have actually observed, what you still need to understand, and what you have assumed about the other person. Bring those questions to Scripture and to a mature believer who knows your circumstances. A clear conversation can help you recognize whether you are protecting a conviction, defending a preference, or overlooking something significant because you want the relationship to work.
Allow yourself to move at a pace that supports honest discernment. You can enjoy getting to know someone without deciding immediately whether that person will become your spouse. You can also decline a relationship without presenting a case that the other person is bad. Kindness includes clear communication and respect for the freedom of both people to choose.
As you do that, keep participating in the life God has given you. At Table for One Ministries, we describe that life through trusting Christ, knowing Christ, and reflecting Christ. That means bringing our hopes honestly before Him, growing through His Word, and practicing His love in the relationships already entrusted to us. Your work, friendships, church service, and family responsibilities deserve your attention now.
I welcome counsel that calls Christian singles toward character and allows room for growth. I also want our churches to make clear that wise dating never requires a person to earn belonging through marriage. We can encourage hopeful relationships while respecting a thoughtful decision to remain single. Wherever a relationship leads, our calling is to follow Jesus faithfully and help one another do the same.
Frequently asked questions about Christian dating standards
How do you know if your Christian dating standards are too high?
Examine whether a standard protects biblical faithfulness, safety, and a workable shared life or requires someone to match an imagined ideal. Shared faith and honest conduct deserve firm expectations. Exact preferences about appearance or hobbies may deserve more flexibility. A trusted Christian who knows you can help you examine those expectations without assuming your singleness proves they are unreasonable.
Should Christians lower their standards to find a spouse?
Christians should remain faithful to biblical convictions while being willing to reconsider personal preferences. No potential spouse will be sinless, but repentance and responsible behavior should have observable expression. Taking someone’s imperfections seriously includes considering whether they acknowledge them and seek change. The desire to marry does not create an obligation to accept dishonesty, coercion, or persistent disrespect.
What are some red flags in Christian dating?
Warning signs include repeated lying, sexual pressure, controlling behavior, intimidation, contempt, and refusal to take responsibility for harm. Religious language does not make those behaviors acceptable. Pay attention to repeated patterns and how a person responds to boundaries and correction. If you feel unsafe, prioritize your safety and seek help from trustworthy people rather than trying to manage the situation alone.
Does being complete in Christ mean I should stop wanting marriage?
No, being complete in Christ means your identity and standing before God rest in Jesus rather than in your relationship status. You can desire marriage and honestly grieve hopes that remain unfulfilled. You can also choose singleness and live a fruitful Christian life. In either circumstance, friendship, discipleship, service, and belonging in the church matter now.
